the people who make air travel suck

(a blog post ~11,000 miles in the making)

The TSA

To be fair, this is in their job description, as far as I can tell.

Cell Phone Guy

I don't mean all the people who make a quick call to their SO to inform them that their travels are going well (or not) or even to fill in the lonely gaps between flights. Nor do I mean the business traveler who wisely takes advantage of the moment to check on things at the office. You know who I mean. He (it is invariably a he) is 25-55, alone, and talks loudly and proudly from the second he can cram that ridiculous Borglike appendage into his ear after clearing security (often before he even puts his shoes on) to the moment the longsuffering flight attendant asks him for the third time to power off his phone so that the plane can, you know, fly.

Look, I'm no maven of cultural trends, but I'm pretty sure that cell phones stopped being status symbols about the time toddlers started carrying them to daycare. Stop it. You are impressing exactly no one with your conversation, least of all the poor sot on the other end of the line who is probably half-listening to you while trying to watch animals fornicate on YouTube.

Aspiring Comedian Flight Attendant

While you are reminding me of all the ways this giant tin can could become my final resting place (water "landing" you say...I have only ever heard of water "crashes") I don't want to hear you trying out your material for open mic night. In fact, I am trying very hard to ignore you completely. If it turns out I need gallows humor for the final moments of my life as we hurtle towards the earth, I will provide it for myself. (I like to think I will have the presence of mind to seize the opportunity and choke Cell Phone Guy with his Bluetooth.)

Children

OK, if I don't notice you, you don't count. Hurray for your parents. Otherwise, you should be considered cargo until you can afford your own ticket.

Perfume Lady

I actually think you should be carded to purchase fragrances, and if you are over 50, you can't buy them anymore. Your sense of smell diminishes with age. The problem is, not everyone else's has yet.